Articles
Mourning
the Narcissist
By:
Sam
Vaknin, Ph.D.
Question:
If
the narcissist is as abusive as you say why do we react so badly
when he leaves?
Answer:
At
the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a
dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good
looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring,
attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the
nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship,
compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.
It
is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with
narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double
realization. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist
and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a
disposable, dispensable, and interchangeable instrument (object).
The
assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process,
often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different
stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human
beings the most total form of rejection there is.
We
all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When
our loved ones die we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us
as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the
break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the
relationship, that we are being "dumped," that our needs and
emotions are ignored. In short, we again feel objectified.
Losing
the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It
provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of
mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This
cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.
Denial
can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is
still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of
"interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to
"communicate" with him or to "meet" him (through
others, for instance).
Others
develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary
narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This
ensures "his" continued "interest" in them
however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is
perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on
the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.
More
benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas
of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is
interpreted to be directed at the suffering person, his ex, and to
carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the
recipient.
Others
deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist. They attribute
his abusive conduct to ignorance, mischief, lack of self-control (due
to childhood abuse or trauma), or benign intentions. This denial
mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a
narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being,
or someone who merely and innocently enjoys mind games and toying with
people's lives, or an unwitting part of a dark conspiracy to defraud
and abuse gullible victims.
Often
the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed imprisoned by
his "invented" condition and, really, deep inside, a nice
and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of
denial reactions we find the classical denial of loss the
disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and
repression of all information to the contrary.
Denial
in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few
types of rage. Rage can be focused and directed at the narcissist, at
other facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at
specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself which often
leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some
cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing
and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or
osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.
Rage
gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an
existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria
(inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia
(inability to experience pleasure or to find meaning in life). It is a
paralyzing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in
the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.
This,
in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance, renewed energy, and bouts
of activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The
void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still
exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a
narrative, a symbol, another life experience, or a (tedious) clichι.
He is no longer omni-present and his former victim entertains no
delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship
or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.
Author
Bio
Sam
Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com )
is the author of and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He
served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and
eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United
Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He is the
the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The
Open Directory and Suite101.
"Reprinted
from Zongoo.com Daily
Press & Consumer Information"
